Discursus de actuale rerum

On the reality of things

(Posted by Xon)

I imagine that many fathers-to-be feel this way early on in their first (every?) pregnancy. I say that I imagine this is so, because I don't really know. I haven't yet talked to that many folks who have been through this before. Katie and I are still keeping things fairly low key for a while, and truthfully not that many people outside of our family know about our "news" yet. But, I do imagine that what I am feeling is fairly normal, based on the assumption that I am fairly normal (a tough assumption, if you ask those that know me) and the fact that I feel this way.

So how do I feel? What am I actually talking about? Oh, you already know the cliche, I'm sure. It "doesn't feel real" yet. Hackeneyed phrase or not, it really is true. I've spent the last two weeks knowing that I am a father, wondering what kind of father I will be, thinking about the deep magic that God has built into the world that allows cells to join, then divide, then divide again, and somehow form one person out of two others. Fascinating stuff, really. But despite all the time I've spent thinking about our little one and about my radiant wife (and she IS already radiant!) whose body is busy bringing him or her into this world, it hasn't quite been "real" time. It's been a bit hazy, not quite dream-like, but definitely the sort of thing that slips through your fingers when you try to grab hold of it tightly. You want to laugh, then you want to look more closely, and then it runs away.

Well, today I finally got a closer look, thanks to the day and place I happen to be inhabiting where technology is available (for a low, low price!) that actually allows a person to see a life as it grows inside a belly. This is a bit shocking, actually, when you really think about it, and even a little awkward. Do I belong in here? Am I interrupting something? But after getting past that, one actually comes face to face with the reality: we're having a baby. My wife, who I love more than life itself, has been blessed by God and has had her womb opened and is bringing life from life. And this means I have been blessed, too, and the blessing is right there on a monitor for all to see! And the angels were silent...

I've been happy about this from the beginning. Truly, I have. I have felt giddy about this for the last fourteen days. But today my giddiness suddenly felt less like a mysterious sanguine impulse within me, and more like opening presents on Christmas morning. Katie, dear Katie, has her own bodily comforts and discomforts and feelings and non-feelings to help clue her in to what is going on, or to confound her. But I am just the man, whose "part" in this recent creation has been done for over a month now, and whose body does not give me any real signs at all. Is there really someone in there? How can I know?

I can know because I saw it on the screen today. And now I know it's real. Does this make me a doubting Thomas? Not really, because I never doubted. But I just today started to feel. Blessed are they whose eyes have seen, and who are blessed by God. And I know now, in a deeper way than I did this morning, that I am going to be blessed indeed in about 8 months.